R*n 713: Levens

People often ask me why we turn out on a Full Moon. Frankly, they think we're barking mad. Summer we can understand, they say, but cold, dark and (often) wet winter evenings? Why go around scaring all the sheep, cattle and horses with your infernal torches, when you could be sitting watching Emmerdale and Coronation Street (not Eastenders - that's for southerners) like normal people? Ah yes, I reply, but what are normal people doing to keep the countryside free of vampires? It's all very well leaving the vampire-scaring to others because you can't be bothered to nail a cross to your front door and stick a few cloves of garlic in your mouth at night when you go to bed, but we provide an essential service - we are to vampires what Ghostbusters are to spooks - and we're damn good at it. Think about it - when was the last time YOU saw a vampire in North Lancashire?

No normal people in evidence this FM, just the usual assortment of Loony Tunes. What could be better than a warm sunny evening spent in the company of Baldbrick, one's fellow hashers, and a pub full of good grub and fine ales? Why, of course, a warm sunny evening spent in the company of one's fellow hashers, and a pub full of good grub and fine ales!

Joking aside, Baldbrick did find us a gorgeous, shiggy-free trail, and even offered the two most knackered and clapped-out hounds (me and White Noise) a ride in his car to avoid puffing and wheezing our way up the hilly bit at the start. While we were waiting at the top of the hill for the others to catch up, I pretended not to see the flour because I thought White Noise needed a bit of extra exercise. It didn't work though - she remained rooted to the spot while I roamed the periphery of a ruddy big field in search of a way out.

Back at the pub, and an evening of jokes from Belle. Unfortunately, most of her repertoire seems to come from her grandparents - they really should spend more money on their Christmas crackers this year. Full marks to her on her delivery and timing, though; the lass obviously has a promising future as a stand-up comedian.

Finally, a memo to Speedbump: please, don't ever let Dormouse out on his own again. The guy just goes all to pot without his minder. In spite of numerous subtle and not-so-subtle hints that the rest of us had all ordered food days in advance, and that he really should read the menu and present himself at the bar, the penny only dropped after he had been sitting at the table for a good fifteen minutes!

Good trail, good food, and back home with that warm feeling inside that comes from the knowledge that you have rid the world of vampires for yet another month.