R*n 911: Beetham

Greetings, Earthlings! You're probably all scratching your heads in puzzlement, wondering why good ol' STT has waited a whole six days before posting this epistular epilogue to R*n 912. Well, puzzle ye yourselves not, for all will be revealed shortly.

First, though, I ask you to join me in a two-minute silence in memory of our fallen comrades who did not see the end of the infamous Allithwaite Death March of July 2011. At the going down of the sun, and in the morning, we will remember them.

(Beginning of silence ...................................................................................end of silence} 

Ah yes, Allithwaite. Baking hot day. After 10.5 miles (no, this is not a typo) and 3.25 hours on trail (again, not a typo), Hare NMC informed us at the 2nd beer stop at around 2.15 pm that we still had 4 more miles to go - and that was just the Wimps!

Long story short: mutiny, NMC fled the scene to avoid a lynching, the International Criminal Court in the Hague issued a warrant for his arrest for crimes against humanity, and NMC found sanctuary in Russia, having been granted asylum by Vladimir Putin. And there he remained, until now.

Understandably, some of our less resilient members went AWOL on the day, still traumatised by the events of 14 years ago, so it was only a select group of LVH3's finest athletes who assembled at the secret rendezvous location. We had convinced ourselves that co-Hare LP, being a calm, reasonable and less impetuous sort of chappie, would rein in NMC, and protect us from his worst excesses. And we were right!

A lovely trail, not too long, some beautiful countryside, and back to the pub before they closed for the night! The SAS complained that we had used their assault course without permission, and FCS suffered injuries on the limestone pavement which, thankfully, were not life-threatening, validating our decision not to deliver the coup de grace and put her out of her misery at the scene. Otherwise, just exactly perfect! We even survived the Fairy Steps. We even followed LP's instruction to "walk towards the light", in the full knowledge that you are usually dead when that happens.

Thanks LP. And thanks NMC. Hopefully the six days start I've given you before the forces of law and order get wind of your whereabouts will be enough for you to make your escape to safety in Russia!

On on!

PS Nice to have NMC's sister Sonia with us. Come again, so we can give you a silly name!