R*n 844: Bolton-le-Sands

Ever seen the film "Logan's Run"? You know, the one where everyone has to die at the age of thirty? Well, today's Hares (Hard Astern and Ready about) have obviously been streaming it, and concocted a sinister plot to rid LVH3 of all the old people. Rumour has it that Cotside Manner and Belle, as Senior Juniors (pardon the oxymoron), have already been offered the posts of GM and On Sec, and negotiations are underway with other Zs and Alphas with a view to filling the other Mismanagement roles. Baldbrick saw the writing on the wall at the last r*n, where it became obvious that Freya was being groomed to replace him as Hash Horn, and, fearing an attempt on his life, decided to stay away from r*n 845.

The final-solution-to-the-wrinklies-problem consisted of a selection process, at which White Noise and Off His Trolley were separated from the rest of the field for Special Handling; this involved getting them back to the car park so early that they would freeze to death waiting for the rest of us. That part of the plan was thwarted by the relatively mild weather, and they survived. Next came the Rambos, who were to be sent to a distant and isolated location, where arrangements had been made to liquidate them. Luckily, they did what LVH3 Rambos always do, and went the wrong way, thus avoiding the fate which undoubtedly awaited them.

A far more gruesome end was planned for the three Wimps (Sir Tom Tom, Wears The Soap and First Class Stomp), however. They were to be sent on a four-and-a-half mile death march. If they didn't drown when the tide came in, they would surely sink in the two miles of swamp included in their itinerary. Fortunately, STT, unnoticed by the executioners, had secreted a torch about his person before leaving the car park, and this certainly helped the plucky and intrepid trio avoid the worst obstacles on the trail.

So, tough luck Hares. You couldn't even get us all killed crossing the road to the pub. Maybe next time, eh?

Not a massive turnout, but at least we were honoured by the presence of Imperial Grand Wizard Dormouse (PBUH), who was there to add dignity and gravitas to the proceedings. Our esteemed GM and his minder Speedbump obviously intended to engage in that age-old hash tradition of eating your meal and then dashing off without paying - well, they do have a proven track record in that particular practice - not knowing that Twisted, at the previous r*n, had established a new tradition of paying but not eating the meal. Unsure which way to turn, they settled on a compromise - just pay for part of the food.

Thanks for an entertaining evening, Hares! I harbour no ill will towards you for trying to kill me.....

Note: This Write-Up has been generated by an AI bot, as STT couldn't be *rsed.