R*n 544: Clapham

A great deal of thought had gone into this Hash Run.

A. Flour left in high spots, so as not to be blown away in the wind

B. Flour left in exposed areas so as not to be washed away or "calcified" by the rain.

C. A first on an LVH…Just in case the elements did somehow play havoc with the ample trail; a fool proof 1:25000 OS photocopy of the route in order to mitigate the effect of A and B. Given out, of course, only to those deemed competent to use them. Myself, obviously, first to be nominated for this highly responsible job.

Bubbles wanted it to be stated in the minutes that he did not consider Slackbladder to be a fit and proper person to be given such a responsibility. In fact he did not consider me to be a fit and proper person!

Any hare could reasonably expect , after such meticulous preparation, to proudly sit back and watch his masterplan of a flawless hash come to fruition. However he had not taken into account that this is LVH3 and the master hash of poor navigation.

The customary warning of lots of sheep en-route route was given, and with that we were off.

(If you don't know what a sheep is, please refer to "NOTE 1" at the end of this script.)

On On, and we meandered through the village enthusiastically following our open checks and abundant flour trail.

We reached an open check where the bridleway forked and as I checked some walkers asked which hash we were. I enthusiastically told them, as I scoured the ground for flour, that we wereLVH3 and we could teach them a thing or two, about laying a perfect hash trail. "Oh yes, we are the masters…" "On trail came the shout from Bitter down the other bridleway. I excused myself, explaining that I knew full well that the trail I was searching for was the false trail…"I always do the false trail 'cos I'm dead quick, and I like catching them up," I laughed, turning niftily on my heels..."But wait! We've seen flour where you've just been," they replied… "No, that'll be the return trail, he always sets a giant loop," I shouted, disappearing in a cloud of lime dust.

5 minutes later and no flour. "Are you sure we're on trail Slacky?"asked a deeply concerned Bitter; a quick glance at my map and I was able to proclaim, "Definitely on trail" however the seed of doubt was now set in my mind. I was having nightmarish flashbacks to the Circle and thought I could her Rabbi saying "All wait at the fork in the bridleway".I consulted my map again a, and to my horror, the trail was clearly marked up the other bridleway..On Back, we're on the wrong trail" I hollored to Lurch, Speedbump, Minor Twit, No More Cum and Bitter who were now specs in the distance. I turned in another cloud of dust before they could catch me.

On back past "the walkers". "Hiya…Wrong trail," I muttered , eyes staring at an imaginary spot before me.

Batch 2 of The Rambos had obviously followed Rabbi's instructions and had a seemless run up to an obelisk whereupon Rabbi had laid out his fine beer stop alter. For Batch 1 it was a couple of extra miles retracing our steps and then on on across field and fell , calcified flour and sheep prairie until at last the welcome sight of Batch 2, the Wimps contingent and the open arms of hare Rabbi.

Again instructions were issued as to where to go, and again "Batch 1" overshot the route. But Hash Horn , Baldbrick was on hand to blow us all in the right direction.

We arrived at a gorge. Now to us geological experts it was obvious that several thousand years ago erosion had caused a roof collapse in what was once a cave. Baldbrick seriously explained to Bitter that it was a very poorly constructed cave.

"Why did they dig a cave here?" asked a puzzled Bitter !?!?!?!?

From here on in the path gently descended into Clapham village and back to the On Inn and Hash Circle.

Religious Advisor-Dormouse was in fine form issuing down downs to a whole range of miscreants namely:-

Rabbi - Unclear instruction.

Slackbladder-Cruelty to minors , not listening, encouraging Batch 1 in the wrong direction.

Morticia- Corrosive Armpits (Her woolly jumper requires under arm repairs from the knitting circle.)

Bitter- Expecting Twisted to multi task during a non-hash domestic incident.

Minor Twit- 200 Runs

Jayne- 5 Runs in 13 years.

Simon(age 7)- for not moaning at having to do half a wimps trail as well as a full Rambo trail.

A good hash, beautiful scenery and sheep. Good beer and food afterwards in t On Inn.

NOTE 1- A woolly four legged creature that has only ever learnt one, one syllable word… BAR! Quite in keeping with the mind set of your average hasher.

They do go through life with the single ambition of dying and are very accomplished at this.

They also keep Morticia and Rabbi in cardigans and jumpers, and supply the knitting circle with much needed resources.

Bubbles once in former and faster times used wool from these creatures to pad out his Walsh's (See "Fell runner footware")

Baldbrick once tried to make a new hash horn out of wool but just ended up with a mouthful of the stuff.

Off His Trolley once tried to make sound proof ear muffs out of wool. They failed their first standard test!

Rabbi is marketing wool blobs as a weatherproof alternative to flour and chalk for those rare occasions of a wet hash day.

No More Cum is attempting to introduce sheep into The Pattaya Dirt Road Hash….……….!

Bitter is training a sheep to eat toast whilst watching a pan of porridge .. AT THE SAME TIME!…

No!..................... I'm not having that!

On On ,Slackbladder.