R*n 375: Bardsea

Well! There I was sleeping beautifully in the car when I was rudely awakened and strapped onto Ga-ga’s chest and we set off at a very bumpy pace! To make matters worse he shortly left the proper road to tread some very uneven ground. Imagine! Pinned out like some sort of insect unable to defend myself and the sun beating down on my head. The only good thing about the whole experience was it was dry! And I must admit the woods were very charming. Nanny kept going on about how nice a day it was and weren’t the daffs pretty – OMG what’s that all about? The other people we were with were quite ridiculous – not an ounce of intelligent conversation. Earlier Minor Tw*t had come round to pick up a lawn mower – at least I got some sensible conversation out of him – all about milk supplies!

I think my Nanny and Ga-ga must have got as fed up as I, because to my relief they sneaked off by themselves, stopped at a wayside pub and let me out. Oh thank heaven for some attention at last. Regrettably though, I wasn’t included in the beer round so I had to content myself with polite wriggling and giggling. When the others caught up they just scoffed! More fool them for taking the long way round looking for little blobs of flour – I mean, really!

Unfortunately the fun didn’t last and I was strapped up again and hauled off. We seemed to almost circumnavigate a lake – honestly, what a pointless exercise. Then a stash of alcohol mysteriously appeared from behind a bush and guess what, no milk! Just some disgusting fruit juice that Ga-ga forced down my throat. This was getting beyond a joke. In the end I gave up and went to sleep – maybe it would be over quicker that way. Sure enough when I awoke the end was in sight. I tried to get my own back on them by doing a poo in my nappy but this only resulted in my total embarrassment by having it changed on the back seat of the car.

And still no food on offer because we had to stand around in one of their ludicrous circles first and take the p*ss out of each other. Luckily Bitter (what sort of a name is that?) told Baldbrick off for upsetting me during the walk by blowing that ridiculous horn in my ear! Some others got told off for various misdemeanours – although to be quite honest I didn’t really think they’d done anything that bad – peeing en route – well if they haven’t got nappies how else should they do it?

All that sunny, balmy weather, panoramic views and interesting trails left me completely cream-crackered, although naturally I didn’t let Nanny and Ga-ga know, at least until I’d had my fill of chips in the pub and left the floor in a mess.

Eee ‘Stewie’ Coli