Lune Valley Hash House Harriers

MNC Visits Mum in KL

Those of you, who have done a bit of hashing might recognise some sense in the title and not expect a boring tale of tea and scones in Kirby Lonsdale. The original hash conceived back in 1938 sprang up in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and is still affectionately referred to as Mother. I had been aware of this almost since I first started hashing in 1998 and have since read the stories of Gispert, rubber plantations and expat toffs from public schools, who knew one end of paper-chase from the other. These last 11 years, I have been promising myself to visit KL and run on the original hash – for no other reason than to say, “done that!”

Well last month, March 2009, I finally did that. I’d been invited to KL on a couple of occasions by Wet Dream and took him up on his offer. As I had already been in Pattaya for two weeks, I was acclimatised and only two hours away from my destination. Following my usual route through Bangkok – Dynasty Inn and Soi Cowboi – I arrived in KL on the Saturday morning and met up with WD at the Central Station. From there we went to his pad in a more up-market area of the city. I stayed on the 13th floor of a modern condo block with views right across the city as far as the Genting Highlands, where the casino lights up the sky at night. There were other condos nearby, but also a jungle covered hill and more besides, where you could easily have set a run. I was made very comfortable in one of three bedrooms (not including the absent maid’s broom cupboard), with its own shower and toilet.

KL apparently has 29 different hashes (I think he said that – it was something ridiculous), but the one I was going to run with didn’t happen until Monday night. I had a couple of days to kill, so WD took the opportunity of taking me to the Royal Selangor (emphasis on the “lan”) Club sports and social complex to look around. I knew it was from the now demolished “chambers” of the same club that the hash had started and derived its name. I had to be signed into a very large important looking book and later that evening was required to observe the dress-code in certain areas. Outside in 30+ temperatures, the lads were playing rugby.

The next day, we went to the original Selangor Club building in the city centre. This, like the newer sports complex smacked of a by-gone era. I noted that the club had first opened in the late 1800s and up until 1964 the presidents had all had British surnames. From then on it was quite the opposite. The bifurcated main stairway had long swaged lengths of material draped over it with rosettes on the newel posts. Panelled walls and brass plaques were in abundance. Somewhere inside there we found the hash bar, which at about 1500 was quite deserted. As you approach it along the corridor, there are two displays of hash patches under glass each side of the entrance. Other than that, you wouldn’t think the hash had been there. The stuff on the walls of the bar itself related to darts and snooker. I was, however, kindly allowed into the hash heritage room nearby. Here, you can find a bit more memorabilia and a lineage chart showing all the hashes and their connections to other hashes. I think that LVH3 are connected to Kowloon courtesy of Bubbles and Forever Blowing. I now understood that the Royal Selangor Club was an establishment with more than 100 years of history and that, while the hash may have its roots there, its membership past and present does not necessarily have any interest in hashing or even know what it entails.

On the Monday before the hash, WD took me to the Batu Caves, where an endless stone staircase takes you up to share space with the cheeky monkeys. We got a lift to the run with another hasher with a very broad Irish accent, whose name I have forgotten. This leads me in to inform you that the original hash doesn’t have hash names, although many have names bestowed by other hashes. It is a male-only affair, where females are referred to as “unmentionables”. After running for about 90 minutes through rubber trees and the like we got back to the A-site. WD had already prompted me about water and I had decided to follow the ritual. After stripping bullock-naked at the side of the dirt track, I proceeded to tip two 5 litre bottles of water over myself. I cannot describe how good that warm water felt after the run, though I’d have felt more comfortable doing it on a mixed run – I had my gay-guard up! Unlike most SE Asian hashes I have run with, this one didn’t have ice to sit on and we stood on beer crates instead to drink our down-downs. Also, the majority of the hashers were local Malays, Chinese or of Indian origin and us “gwielos” were in the minority. After the circle, we headed for a local restaurant and ate Chinese food and drank more beer under the stars.

Somewhere during the weekend Ireland beat Wales at rugby and won the Grand Slam. WD never shut up about it and is probably still playing it on all his TVs at once. All I was bothered about was that Spurs beat Chelsea and were more or less ensured that they would be safe from relegation. So there you have it. It might have been boring, but there was no tea and scones.

No More Cum

Solstice Hash On Tour 2008

In December 2006 I had made another trip from Pattaya to Phnom Penh, but this time had intended to run with the local hash. Prior to setting off, my contact had informed me that there was a travelling hash from KL in town and that the locals were involved. That was cool by me and I had a great weekend on the Mekong and cyclohashing amongst other things. I met the likes of Wet Dream, Opera and Kamikhazi from KL and Wrongway from Angeles City, Philppines.

Earlier this year, Wrongway had sent me an e-mail as he usually does, to inform me of the latest location. SHOT are sponsored by Air Asia and pick their next run from the list of destinations. The fact that it was Vientiane caught my attention. I hadn’t been to Laos yet and it seemed a good excuse to drag my weary arse out of Pattaya. I had already heard much about the quality of the terrain and knew Dayak from the Vientiane Bush Hash as a seasoned Dirtroader. That was it. I was going. With the exchange rate as bad as I can remember, I was determined to find the cheapest route and, instead of flying direct to Vientiane, booked a flight to Udon Thani near the border.

I met up with some hashers on their way to Pattaya in Bangkok on the Friday night and showed them where to go on Soi Cowboi. We had a wild night as usual and I headed out of Soi Nana following a plate of spaghetti in the hotel at 0300 on Saturday morning. By 0700, I had flown to Udon Thani and jumped on a bus to Nong Kai near the border. From Nong Kai, I took a tuk tuk to the Thai border, a bus from there to the Laos border and then another tuk tuk into Vientiane. The tuk tuk was full, but about half way there we stopped and about 8 laotian girls jumped in and all over us. Well, I never complained! By 1030 I had checked into the Lan Xiang Hotel. It was 36$ a night, but I wanted to be with the rest of the hashers. When I opened my door at about 1200, I bumped straight into Wet Dream. In the foyer was Wrongway and the 3 of us wandered across the road towards the banks of the Mekong to register and for food. At this point, I met up again with Whoremonger, who I had known as a Bangkok hasher. He is now in KL and many will appreciate his efforts in organising the train trip associated with Chiang Mai Interhash. He told me some interesting stories about that and how the finale in Sukothai had reduced him to tears.

After the 2 luxury 52 seaters had dropped us off near a lake to meet up with the local hash, I experienced some of the best hashing terrain I had seen yet. What was most important to me was that the hares had not chopped out a path through the vegetation, but had left it much as they had found it. This leaves you with much ducking and diving, jumping, sliding and dodging – just how I like it. I did the long version as usual and it was very long, blending in and out of the two other alternatives on the way. The circle came with snacks, plenty of Beerlao and huge blocks of ice. Although the core of the hash were mostly of European descent, the majority were either malays or laotians. After being bussed back into town, there was a banquette buffet to demolish and the beer came to your table ice-cold in serve-yourself dispensers. I had a wander into town after things had finished to see what was what in this “new place”. There was a french influence similar to Phnom Penh, but it seemed that communism might have diluted it somewhat in comparison.

Sunday was the usual recovery run around town at 1030 and doubled up as a sight-seeing tour. I tried to recognise the dodgy dives I had fallen into the night before. The beer stops along the way were awesome dotted along the banks of the river. One of them on the 4th floor of an all-wooden place reminded me of the FCC in Phnom Penh and the awesome view over the same river from the massive balcony. The run ended with the usual circle with even bigger blocks of ice and the issue of run shirts and straw hats to keep off the sun. The circle continued in the On Inn where we helped ourselves to more excellent food. I was then driven off with the likes of Wrongway and Dayak to some local hide-away where we had more beer until evening.

At about 1800, I picked my bag up at the hotel, went out for some bruschetta and chips in a nearby café and headed for the border again in a tuk tuk. I had to be there before 1000 when it closed. On the way to Udon Thani, the thai police stopped and searched the pick-up I was travelling in and were totally bemused by my orange pants with badges all over them. When I got to the bus station there was a luxury VIP bus with fully reclining vibrating massage seats already waiting to go to Bangkok. I jumped on this for the princely sum of about £8 in favour of going to the airport to wait for my flight at 0735. By 0600, I was already in Bankok and by 0930 back home in Pattaya. I had plenty of time before leaving for the Monday run at 1500, where I was going to assist my original sponsor from 10 years ago, Salvatore. He had had a motorbike accident at home in Switzerland 9 years ago and I hadn’t seen much of him since. He had introduced me to hashing and I was going to help him revisit the hash again despite him now being confined to a wheel-chair. He had been back since his accident, but had suffered somewhat due to people getting pissed and forgetting to help him. The week before, I had done my 100th run with PH3 and received the mug and the “Survivors” shirt. This was a watershed.

The following day we did the Dirtroad, brought forward 2 days because of Christmas. That was a long day as usual and sort of capped-off the last 5 days. Running; travelling; meeting old friends from all over the world in new locations; sharing beers and food; looking up at the stars on warm nights; memories and dreams – for me THIS IS HASHING.

Nash Hash 2007

The Luneys on tour to NashHash 2007, held at Towcester Racecourse on 24th to 27th August.
LVH3 hounds: Cyberseptic, Antiseptic, Upperskirt, Baldbrick and MasterBaker.
Scribes: Antiseptic and MasterBaker.

Cockermouth H3 R*n #145

This write-up was stolen from Cockermouth H3!

Date: 5th August 2007, 11am
Venue: Briar Bank, Cockermouth
Hares: Reuters and Misdemeanour

After the shock news of a Foot & Mouth Outbreak in the Southern Hashlands, the planned Embleton hash was rapidly rearranged to start at Cockermouth chez On Secs.

In traditional style, the hashers upset the neighbours by parking in front of their houses and parading in brightly coloured attire (apart from a few nameless ones modelling New Balance designer wear). The hash numbers were swelled by the welcome presence of 4 Loonies - (Lune Valley H3), namely Highway, Baldbrick, Upperskirt and MasterBaker.

The route started from the front garden of the Hares and after much confusion the pack found the correct trail around leafy suburbia before the walkers and runners routes split with the walkers heading of for the trim trail in Harris Park. Meanwhile, the runners eventually reached Simonscales Lane heading along the river through much-needed shiggy. At one point the river had burst its bank to cover the path. This is a British summer after all!

The sweet note of Baldbrick’s horn kept the running pack together. On reaching Harris Park the runners rejoined the walkers route. A wayward note from the horn confused a passing 5 year old who thought that a ship was coming in. Cocker may become a navigable waterway for cruise liners by next year and pinch Workington’s tourists.

The running water meanwhile was having an effect on the walking females hashers who took time out to take part the annual event ‘P in the Park’. Uncharacteristically for Slasher the public facilities were actually used.

Spreadlegs went AWOL in the park and found her former hash friend ‘The Pirate’ who was retrieving his frisbee from the river. After a few laps of the park, the walkers and runners routes converged and the combined pack made their way down Walker Street and then across Gote Bridge. At this point Plum Tart defected and joined the runners. (What- a defective hasher!) The walkers headed into the Memorial Gardens while the runners went on a loop up Gote Road. The carefully set checkback was shunned by the runners who could smell the flour near Jennings Brewery. Some even went into the Brewery Shop in the hope that the Jennings-sponsored tee shirts would lead to an impromptu beer stop. Alas there was nobody in the shop and the hashers resisted the temptation to help themselves, knowing that a superior tipple was awaiting them at the end of the hash.

A spate of careless blobbing caused some more confusion and brought back some musical memories amongst the George Michael fans. By this time the thought of beer and food was too much to bear and right on cue an On In appeared.

The hashers tried to make amends after previously upsetting the neighbours at Briar Bank by treating them to some mud-covered flesh as they changed on the street, drive and car port. The excellent Hesket Newmarket beers helped to replace some lost calories while the assembled throng took part in the new spectator sport. Thong was erecting his gazebo but he had a missing pole. Fortunately for Thong there were some pegs with this shelter. It’s a miracle no ASBOs were dished out on this hash. The all too brief down downs were followed by a haute cuisine Barbie courtesy of the Hares.

InterHash 2006 - The Septics

18th Oct. After a few days in Singapore we started with the pre-rumble kick-off run with Singapore Harrietts. Over 450 people turned up at Turf City – the old Singapore racecourse turned run-down shopping arcade. Plenty of our hash friends were there from Scarborough, Yorkshire and Isle of Wight hashes and after much catching-up, the buses for the long run were leaving. The run site in the jungle was accompanied by monkeys cadging food. After a briefing, the long run set off around the muddy, thickly forested banks of a reservoir and along seemingly endless forest tracks to the amusement of groups of Singapore army recruits doing jungle survival training. The run finished in the dark with nibbles of fried stuff and fruit, followed by an un-memorable circle and beer. The other runs seemed to take a long time to get back but eventually food was served for everyone under a collection of gazebos and a good time was had. We caught a bus and metro back to the hotel because we needed to be up early next morning for the Rumble train.

InterHash 2006 - No More Cum

After a week of beer-drinking and no running at Eurohash last year, I was determined to make an effort this time. I had 10 days in Thailand, which is pretty short for me, but had a fairly tight schedule planned.

After arriving at the recently opened Suvarnabhumi airport, my destination was Pattaya by way of the Scandihooligans 200th run on Koh Si Chang island. I met a fellow hasher at the airport and shared his cab for the 80 minute drive to Si Racha, where he dropped me off before continuing his journey to Pattaya. As I descended the steps on the other side of the highway, I was immediately picked up by a local taxi and whisked off to the ferry terminal for the princely sum of about £1.50. The ferry left 10 minutes later, the ride took 40 minutes and cost 65p. Once on the island, I took a motorbike taxi, which dropped me on the required beach. It was by now about 1530. I began to recognise the familiar silhouettes of my friends and had soon removed most of my clothes and joined them in the water, where cans of iced beer were available from floating polystyrene coolers. I was home. I had missed the run, but had come just in time for the circle and festivities.

Finally United, Checked, Knackered In Tyneside

LVH3 Hounds: Antiseptic & Cyberseptic Held on 18th September 2005 from the Sundial Public House, South Shields, Tyne & Wear. Annually after the Great North Run half marathon, Newcastle Hash meet at 3pm for a r*n from the Sundial, South Shields sea front, live haring each stage from pub to pub.

Scarborough Steamy Weekend

by Antiseptic LVH3 Hounds: Antiseptic, Cyberseptic & Bubbles Held on 17th September 2005 on the North Yorkshire Moors Railway, Pickering Cyberseptic and I were due to arrive in Pickering for 11:00 start but due to unforeseen traffic problems and an average speed of 12.7mph we arrived at 12:30 (what a surprise! - ed) in time to catch the train! Bubbles was there having arrived the night before.

Settle & District (The SAD Hash) R*n #7

by Minor Tw*t

LVH3 Hounds: Bubbles, Forever Blowing, Antiseptic, Cyberseptic, Baldbrick, Upperskirt, Major Twit and Minor Tw*t

Held at 7pm on 11th October 2005 from Halfpint's house, Settle

A goodly number from Harrogate H3 joined the r*n together with two 'professionals' from Settle Harriers - you know, proper runners!

Newcastle '600'

by Upperskirt LVH3 Hounds: Bubbles, Forever Blowing, Lurch, Morticia, Baldbrick, Upperskirt, Hash Drunk and Pickmeup Held on 9th to 11th September 2005 at Westhall Scout Campsite, Moor Lane, Cleadon Off we went for a weekend at the seaside to join Newcastle hash on their Nylon Heaven (9/11) weekend, which was their 600th run.